Wasted moments

Did I write it all wrong?
Maybe, forget it I'll stop.
I'll explain that entry. One sentence at a time.
And for the record, it was really for you. (:
Sorry cos you misunderstood the entry.

I realised I don't deserve to be hated. I really don't.
This was to say, I just don't understand this situation I'm in.
Really, how did it start in the first place?
And, I don't deserve to be hated like I thought I was, because you dint hate me.

Because I'm a real good friend. I dint know that till you said it.
Dint you say it? Indirectly of course, but I got the message.
You said: 'thanks for being my bestie, and i hope we will always stay close..'
See? You said it. How you hope I would always be your friend.
If you mean it, of course.
Because then I knew there must be a reason you want to always be friends with me.
So I must be a real good friend.

I deserve to be with who I want to be, and who I'm comfortable with.
Definitely that's you.
It is you! Can't you see?
I wanna be with lots of people, and you're one of them. I am comfortable with you, though it looks like I'm more comfortable with __.

It's because, I have this weird mixed feeling about you.
It's like, she's my best friend but I can't talk to her.
My trust issues? No not that.
I don't know why I can't talk to you like I talk to ___ or ___ or ___.
It's difficult for me to open my mouth around you.
But when there are other people besides you around, I do talk to you.
Don't you realise that in me? I'm truly sorry.
But eveytime I do talk about stuff with you, it's fun.
Even tho you don't see it.

But one thing is that I dint see you first. I saw others.
Others that I planned to get close to.
For this current problem. These sentences were meant for this current problem.
I saw other people I could be closer to.
Cos they have the same difficult, crazy, hyped up attitude as me, and they show it.
You have it too, I realise, just I dint see it in you first, I saw it in other people.
Yeah?

Suddenly you came into the picture, thank god. It dint really work out @ th start.
But you changed. For the sake of us, of others, of me, you changed.
That's where I realised you really wanted to be friends with us, others, me.
Thank god you came in, cos it made me a little more controlled.
A little more wise about what I say.
And it dint really work out because I was restless.
You did change, when you did try to fit in you said.
But maybe you dint change for me. Maybe I'm wrong.
You changed because you do want to be friends, don't you?

With you I learned more, talked more, understood the word friendship more.
When I first came to this school, I never thought I could have any new friends.
But then, I found you. The very first person. And really it's all true.

My past experiences I never had someone like you.
I know besides other people, you were special.
Like a sister. Like you said we were.
You changed me, made me a little braver, a little less noisy?(Well only maybe)
You were special, you were my 'sister', you still are, and you did say it.
So, why did you doubt it was you I was talking about?

Nothing comes in between. Not others.
Because that's true. No matter what, even this big thing, we're still friends.
We talk like normal, laugh together like normal, share our lives like normal. Like sisters do.
Nobody can replace you, cos yes, you're special.

I will never get over you if we ever, ever, stop being friends.
I'll suffer every night knowing I can't talk to you the next day, or the next.
I don't deserve it.
I'll suffer, because it's fun talking to you.
Even if you don't think I like talking to you.
It's complicated if you just look at it on the outside.

So, I really hope you get it this time, that it was all meant for you.
Taking it wrongly can cause conflicts.
Already it did, and I really really really want it to end.
I'm tired of it.
I can't sleep the night before school, because I think over and again, why is this happening?
I cried too, it's dumb but I just hate friendship fights.
What's worse, with each other not a word is said about this, then everything comes out later.
I hate that the painful truth is being the shadow of our conversations.
We'll know it will always be there, but nothing happens.
It's like a silent scream, or something.
I love all of you, okay.